My Best Friend's Birthday Transcript
From The Quentin Tarantino Archives
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The radio DJ is interviewing Mr Otis of a local Cochran fanclub.
DJ (Quentin Tarantino): And for those of you who’ve just tuned in, we’re talking to Lennie Otis, he’s the leader of the Eddie Cochran fan club. So uh, Lennie, do you remember when he died?
Lennie: You mean the actual date, or exactly when it happened?
DJ: When it happened, the exact day!
Lennie: I was uh, I was one..
DJ: I was three, but I remember like it was yesterday. Out of the blue I felt depressed for no reason whatsoever. Just this dark cloud hanging over my head. I was gonna commit suicide. I was actually gonna commit suicide. I was gonna go open the bathroom, I was gonna fill a tub of hot water, and I was gonna slice open my veins. I was actually gonna, I mean I was gonna do it! Now for a three year old to be thinkin' like that, that’s really depressing. And you know, what saved me was the Partridge Family. The Partridge Family was coming on, I really wanted to see it. Okay so I watch the Partridge Family, then I kill myself. And, uh, well I watched it, and it was a really funny episode, it was the one with Danny getting in trouble with a Mob wife. But, it was a really funny one, and uh, and I didn’t feel like killing myself afterwards. It was, it all kinda worked out.
...What were we talking about?
We see an employee of K-BILLY, the radio station. He's talking to someone ont he phone.
Man on phone: Yo, K-BILLY? A request? Okay, what is it? Whadaliache? What’s Whadaliache?
Somebody walks into the room with a bag full of fast food.
Guy: Hey Mick
Man on phone: Allright, right. Wadilachou, Wadilachou, diddle-di-dou, diddle-di-dou, okay yeah sure I remember that, but we don’t have that record. No... uh, no why don’t you uh try K-scout? No [...] [telegraph?] technique either, no. [to Guy with food:] So, can it be, that you, perish the thought, that you’re actually early?
Guy: No I was in the area so I thought I’d stop on by. Uhm, can I eat any ho-hos or..uh flakey-flicks?
Man: You mean Flicky-Flakes?
Guy: Yeah yeah you got some?
Man: Yeah, just some animal crackers. Don't eat the gorillas.
Guy: Hey listen I’m gonna conk out in the lounge for a couple of hours. Can you uh wake me, when it’s time to uh, relieve Clarence?
Man: You look like shit.
Guy: Really, I feel like diarreah. It feels like a bunch of little guys are in my stomach with little pointy sticks going "ayayayayai".
Man: What the hell happened to you last night?
Guy: I was out with Jerry, you know Jerry?
Man: Uh, Harry's brother Jerry...
Guy: Insane, but anyways, we’re experimenting with this shit, that’s so strong that, I think an Indian tribe in Brazil's formed this uh religion around it.
Man [to phone]: Yo K-BILLY? Oh, grandma mummy! Yeah, uh, how’re you doing?
Guy: Want some gum?
Man [phone]: He’s good! Uhuh, yeah, how’s grandpa? Uhuh. Yeah, so uh, what is that uh church....[chokes on food] What the fuck is this shit?
Guy: What's the matter, don’t you like garlic gum?
Man: Oh you’re the biggest asshole!
Guy: Last night Jerry and I we got really stoned okay, we got all fucked up and we went to this novelty shop. You ever been to a novelty shop all fucked up? It’s an experience let me tell ya! We got a hundred and fifty dollars worth of shit okay? I picked up some itching powder for Clarence...
Man: Ah shit [screams and coughs] fucking weirdest shit.
Guy: ...coz I knew he’s the guy who kinda appreciates it you know?
Man: You’re the biggest fucking asshole! I’ve ever met in my goddamn life.
Guy: I got Clarence some uh itching powder. They had the white kind and they had the brown kind. I got him the white kind because the guy told me it’s the industrial strength.
Man: [.......] you fucking bastard!
Guy: Put a little dab on the back of your hand, it drives you crazy, you gotta wash it right off!
Man: Fucking goddamn, these things anyway, Jesus. These fucking things... Pah! [cough] you’re such a dickweed...... [coughs, pukes gum]
Guy: Mick, uh... Gramma.
Man: Shit uh, grandma mummy, uhm, sorry I got called away there. So uh, you were talking about the young people scholarship?
Guy: Is this uh, a gorilla?
We're back with the DJ and his interview
Clarence (DJ): So anyway... Skip 20 years later, I find out that the very day I fell so depressed for no reason whatsoever, just so happens to be the very same day that the greatest rock and roller of all time buys the farm. You coulda spit in my socks. I mean, I couldn’t believe it! And ... it’s, it’s, it’s crazy! But you know, in a way there’s a certain symmetry there I guess. I mean in a little way. What’s the word I’m looking for? It means 'disciples in what you’d be doing'? You know what I mean?
Clarence: Members, yeah members that’s it! How many members you have?
Lennie: Uh about 600 in the California area
Clarence: That’s a lot! That’s an awful lot actually. Uh, you guys have a get-together every year like a Motel-6 or a Sambo’s or something like that?
Lennie: Every once in a while we work something out.
Clarence: Uh [...] look okay! Uh we’re here with uh Lennie Otis, the leader of the Eddie Cochran fanclub! And we’re gonna be back in one hot second, so don’t go away! Going okay come-ci comme-ca! What do you got in that box there?
Lennie: Oh, you know that march 29th 1959 Eddie Cochran actually wiped his mouth with this?
Clarance: Wow that sounds really good. You should be bringing stuff like that out, I mean. I am sure you got a cornicopia of stuff in that box. Just start bringing it out. Because, you know, this is radio. This is not television, you got it. They gotta hear it. [to phone] Clarence Pool show? No sorry I don’t play requests. Because when I’m jock I play what I wanna play when I wanna play it. Oh someday maybe you can be a jockey and you can play what you wanna play. Well if you’re taste is as respected as mine, you will! Ehehhehehe! Well I don’t give.... Look I don’t give a shit what Unruly Julie plays on her show. I don’t care, look, then listen to Unruly Julie then, dickbait! Well fuck your momma! Fuckin' asshole...[hangs up phone.]
Clarence: What the hell you’re doing here?
Guy: I’m just hanging out ‘till you’re done.
Clarence: Uh, this is, uhm, introduce you to... what the hell is your name, kiddie?
Lennie: [shakes hands with guy] I’m Lennie Otis, I’m the head of the southern California chapter of the Eddie Cochran fanclub.
Guy: Ah, Otis, like the town drunk on the Andy Griffith show?
Clarence [laughs]: I was thinking the same thing.
Guy: Clarence, I got you something for you [hands bag of coke to Clarence]
Clarence: Holy shit.
Guy: Picked some up myself last night and got you some too because I knew you’d put some good use to it. Jerry and I, you know Jerry? We got fucked up last night. We went into this nova....
Clarence: [.... to Guy] Mick. Yeah he’s here, hold... [gives phone to guy]
Guy [phone]: Yeah Mick what is it? A girl, what’s her name? Polly, uh... Polly? Polly is on the phone right now for me? Listen, don’t hang up. Don’t hang her up, she’ll be out on the line, I’ll be out there in a minute, okay? Don’t let her go, under no circumstances. Don’t let her go. I’ll be right there. [to Clarence:] I’ll be back.
Clarence [to Lennie]: So uh, Lenn O, uh. You’re cool, right?
Lennie: Uh, yeah I’m cool.
Clarence: Good. [unpacks coke and prepares to snort a line] This is like... I don’t believe this... So uh, Lennie, do you want some toute-uncommon here?
Lennie: No thanks
Clarence: Ah, too cool, way to be. Wish someone’d stop me. Jeezus Christ. Ah. Do I have anything on my nose?
Lennie: Right here.
Clarence: Okay? Cool? Okay.... This is K-BILLY and we’re back on the air. We’re here with the uh leader of the Eddie Cochran fan club, Lennie Otis. Now, Lennie, what get you into Eddie?.
Lennie: Well, actually my father was really into Eddie Cochran and he had a lot of his albums. He used to play him a lot.
Food guy talking into the phone
Guy: I don’t believe you’re bringing him up! You know I hate him, always have! I hurt you, okay? Together I hate ‘em.
Lennie (continues): And at the time, he used to play him a lot and there was a time in my life were I really needed to hear that sound for some reason it just really applied to my life and it, it got me out of this wreck.
Clarence: Could, could, could you gimme... uh... that napkin?
Clarence: Thank you.
Lennie (while Clarance fights with his nose): Well anyway, uh, when I feel down and lonely I just flip on this [...] it’ll be great! One day there... I just had this real bad feeling about myself...
Guy: I don’t believe you’re bringing this up. I’ve never gotten along with him! (sighs) look, look! As long as we’re burying our souls here, making a list of people we hate, why don’t you add your name to that list....[to Mick] YOU FUCK!
Clarence: AAAA I am in hell (screams and mourns)
Lennie: Are you allright?
[Clarence breaks to floor. Guy runs over]
Guy to Lennie: What happened?
Lennie: All he did was snort some of the coke you gave him.
[Guy splashes water all over Clarence’s face]
A man enters his home.
Mickey: What the hell are you’re doing here?
Girl: Hi Mickey.
Mickey: You’re back?
Mickey: You’re back.
Girl: I’m here aren’t I?
Mickey: Hm, I’m glad! How long has it been?
Girl: Since when?
Mickey: Since I last time to see each other!
Girl: Well, lets see.... January, February... two months!
Mickey: Seems a hell lot longer to me. Oh, by the way, on all these phone calls you were getting last month, I did ring and you'd answer and hang up,
Girl: Uh huh.
Mickey: That was me. I just had to hear the sound of your voice. So what's been life here?
Girl: Well, I’ve been....
Mickey: [....] I’m so happy. [..] I’m going through hell without you. You know, you and I, argue about the stupidest things, but never again. Now that I've got you, I’ll never let you go. And that’s a promise baby.
Girl: Mickey! You're being so nice!
Mickey: And that’s what I’m gonna be from now on! Forever [kiss] and ever [kiss] and ever! Feel my heart! Feel it? Fast, ain't it?
Girl: Uh huh?
Mickey: Let me feel yours. Just how I thought. Just like mine [...] It must be love. Honey, I want you to know, that the last few times we talked on the phone, I didn’t mean any of that, you know that, don’t you?
Girl: I thought you hated me!
Mickey: I was just bluffing, I just wanted you to think I hated you. All I felt was, what do I do now? I was angry at you. Listen to was so frustrating. But I’ll never stop loving you.
Girl: I’m a little surprised! I’ve never seen you so sweet before!
Mickey: This is gonna be a happy birthday after all.
[...] He hugs his Girl again
Mickey: Oh, is that why you stopped by? You remembered my Birthday!
Girl looks surprised
Mickey: Now tell me in your own words, now I’ll promise I won't interrupt...
Girl: well... yesterday I was talking to Johanna Waxmen, remember her? Ok, I was talking about these really sad rock star’s songs and we were lookin’ through my albums and I couldn’t find it. And then I remembered it’s not an album, is a tape! And I left all my tapes over here, so I came by and picked it up, and I found it! See? [showing him the tape]
Mickey [looking disappointed]: Is that why you came by?
Girl: Ohhh! And guess what else! When I was going through my records I found one of your Elvis Presley albums, and I knew you couldn’t life without that so I dropped it off.
Girl rises up from Mickey’s lap and takes a look of the room.... Mickey’s looking down
Girl: God! This place looks so empty without my stuff, I should have left you some of my plants.
Suddenly a sound comes from the bathroom. Someone flushes the toilet.
Mickey: What’s that?
Girl: It's your toilet flushing
A tall guy with moustache comes out from the bathroom, covering his nose.
Oliver: Aww, man! Talk about droppin’ a cheese bomb... I wouldn't go in there for an hour if I was you.
Girl: Oliver darling, come over here!
Oliver gets next to the Girl
Girl: Oliver, I want you to meet one of my oldest friends: Mickey. Mickey, this is one of my newest friends: Oliver Brandon.
Oliver: Hi guy!
Oliver tries to shakes hands with Mickey; Mickey stays stiff and doesn’t respond to the salute.
Mickey [looking pissed]: How the hell did you get in here? You gave me your key...
Girl: Oli got us in.
Oliver: I hope you don’t mind guy, uh... you know, the old credit-card-in-the-lock routine. I Had to get Sugar here her Rod Stewart.
Mickey still looking pissed
Oliver: I see you like Elvis, huh? Yeah that’s nice, that’s nice... I got an aunt that likes Elvis.
Girl: Oliver is a really great actor.
Oliver: You should talk, you’re pretty great yourself!
Girl: I'm not...
Oliver: You are!
Girl: I'm not!
Oliver: Yes, you are!
Girl: You are better!
Mickey: No, I'm not!
Girl: You are so!
Mickey can't believe what he’s hearing. He’s just sitting there on the couch, stiff as a rock.
Girl: Don’t believe a word he says. He’s really glorious.
Girl: Oh! I'm so stupid! I forgot to tell you the most exciting news; I got a part in a play!! It’s the Torrance community theater production of “Godspell”. That’s where I met Oliver, [to Oliver:] Tell’im what part you play.
Oliver: uh well...... Jesus... Well look, we gotta go, a’ight? We gotta go to that thing tonight.
Girl: what thing?
Oliver: You know, that big thing that we have to go to, and we are late now so we better get a move on!
Girl: okay, whatever...
They approach the door
Girl: Bye Mickey! Call me up some time so we will talk
Oliver: one more time, we have to go.
Oliver pulling her out from the arm
Girl: Ok, [to Mickey:] “Godspell” opens on the 19th..... I’ll leave you a ticket under the door, so you can get in free and see me....
Oliver [shutting the door]: Later Guy!
Cut To: INT. Bar. Night............. Clarence and a girl named Misty are having a nice conversation next to a pool table.
Clarence: you know [...who?]
Misty: Yeh! He is my very favorite!
Clarence: Oh that’s it, I am impressed. That is really good, you know I thought I was the only guy around here that had any kind of musical taste or whatsoever. Except for Mickey, he got really good taste too. And now there’s you... You know something?
Clarence: You sure know how to play pool, you like good music, and you got a really cool name. How would you like to go to a party?
Clarence: You would? Oh, this is just fantastic! Ok, I got a best friend, it’s his birthday today and it if it’s at all possible, I would like to set you up. You see he is the best guy there is in the world and I only set him up with somebody who is just really cool like you. You think you might be interested in something like that?
Misty: why not?
Clarence: Oh, this is great! This is just fantastic! Ok, you got a pen or something for a--?
Misty: Oh, I got a lipstick, we can use that...
Clarence: Ok, I’ll just write it right here...
Misty: what you writing?
Clarence: Uh... his address, now you just go there and entertain him, you know? Show him a good time.
Misty: ok, how am I gonna get in?
Clarence: ok, let me give you the key...
Misty: you got a key?
Clarence: Yeh, we’re best friends, now when you get through talk him into coming over to my house, he knows the directions. I got a little birthday party set up; it’s gonna be me, and you, him and my girlfriend, and we’ll have a nice little party, ok?
Misty: great... Should be talk price now, or later?
Clarence: come again?
Misty: price you know, MY price...
Clarence: Ohhhh YOUR PRICE! Price! Price! Price! Hahaha.... ok, uh... sure uh-- how much?
Misty: well, how much do you pay?
Clarence: well, uh-- how much do you usually charge?
Misty: well, how much do you usually pay?
Clarence: usually the going rate is what I usually pay
Misty: the going rate... Oh, well see, I'm not a whore, I'm a call-girl and call-girls are a lot more classier...
Clarence: Oh and I knew that! I knew that when I came over here that you were a call-girl, I mean you are not a whore and I would never even think about getting a whore for Mickey ´cause he is the best and you are really classy...
Misty: oh really?
Clarence: that’s an honest guy talking here... no lie in the [...?]
Misty: ok how about...
They both call a price at the same time
Clarence: 40! Misty: 50 dollars!
Misty: 30! Misty: 40!
Clarence: 40! Misty: 30!
Both: 40!! Ok, ok I’ll go 40.
Clarence: ok I’ll pay 40.
Clarence gives her the money; she looks pretty excited with it....... Cut to: INT. store Old Man, owner of the Store, is talking to Clarence on the counter, his wife is behind him.
Old man: Tell him to take the phone, I can't handle that fuck, I can't deal with that guy anymore...
Wife: Do you have to say “fuck” in front of the costumers?
Old man: What, it sounds better coming out of your mouth? Huh? It’s allright coming out of a man’s mouth, am I right? You heard the word before, haven’t you Clarence?
Wife: If you haven’t noticed there’s a new way of treating costumers--
Old man: hey, hey, hey pump my ass, get me off get me off [laughs]
Clarence: I heard once the marriage starts growing the romance is gone.
Old man: no, no, not so, not so... tell’im right honey? Huh? Still going strong, am I right?
Wife: yeah sure
Old Man [whispers to Clarence]: I love’er, I love’er....
Clarence: I want the coolest looking cake you got there
Old man: all my cakes are cool, common.
Clarence: I want that one!
Old man: You want the one cream--
Clarence: that one with the decorated icing.... and the little things on it... that’s the one for Mickey, nothing but the best for Mickey and I want that one.
Old man: I got news for you, it’s delicious, ok?
Clarence: I got three threes
Clarence gives the old man the money
Old man: three threes... allright
Clarence: you're gonna write on that cake, don’t cha?
Old man: Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna write on it, Clarence give me a chance to get it ready...
Pulls out a little white box for the cake from the counter
Old man: I got the greatest box, but it’s--
Clarence: I just need it to take it home, I'm gonna give it to him not in the box, I'm gonna give it to him in candles and stuff...
Old man: You know I’ve been thinking about something, and it’s something it’s really been bothering me... I mean is not like I don’t disagree with you, I mean as a singer; Elvis, I mean as a performer with albums and recordings, nobody could lay a hand on him.
Clarence: Damn true
They shake hands
Old man: Right? So we got no problem?
Clarence: we got no problem as far as in this...
Old man: as an actor, Clarence, he was a lost score...
Clarence: this is where we differ; we’ll always differ at this point
Old man: there’s no argue, I'm sorry...
Clarence: we’re always gonna differ in this same goddam--
Old man: Marlon Brando is a great actor
Clarence: and he makes some shitty movies...
Old man: Never! Never make a shitty movie, Clarence!
Clarence: “A Countess from Hong Kong” is a shitty movie!
Old man: Never made a shitty movie!
Clarence: “A Countess from Hong Kong” sucks dick!
Old man: Marlon Brando is a great actor, Clarence; do you understand me, huh? You ever see “The Wild one”?
Cut to:INT. Mickey’s apartment, bathroom.
Mickey is taking a bath when suddenly the shower door opens.
Misty: Hi Mickey! I'm Misty Knight, your birthday surprise! Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Mickey, happy birthday to you, yayy! Now I will wait outside for you and when you are done in here you come up there and we’ll start our party, ok? Oh and keep it casual, what you have on is fine...
She closes the door...
. Cut to: INT. Store again
Clarence: In "Jailhouse Rock" he's everything rockabilly's about., I mean he IS Rockabilly: mean, nasty, he couldn’t get a fuck about anything except rock n’ roll, live fast, die young, and have a good looking corpse. I love that scene where after he's made it big he's throwing a big cocktail party, and all these highbrows are there, singing "Baby You're So Square... Baby, I Don't Care". They got him wearing these stupid pants, the turtle neck sweater and they even got him wear I think penny loafers for Christ Sake! Doesn’t matter, all the highbrows at the party, the big house, the stupid clothes, he's still a rude-lookin' motherfucker. I'd watch that hillbilly and I'd want to be him so bad. Elvis looked good. I'm no fag, but Elvis was good-lookin'. I always said if I ever had to fuck a guy... I mean had too 'cause my life depended on it... I'd fuck Elvis.
Old man: Yeah, well I know what you mean. I wouldn’t go so far as saying that I’d fuck him but....
Cut to:INT. Mickey’s apartment, living room.....
Misty is laid on the couch waiting for Mickey....
When suddenly a black male abruptly enters the room.
Man: What’cha doin’?
The black man grabs the Girl by the neck
Clifford: I came all the way here to find ---
Misty: Ouch! Clifford, my head!
Clifford: I'm so angry with you... AHH
They both fall from the couch
...... Cut to: INT. Store again
Old Man: With a picture of him on my wall, I used to say: Hey Biggie! [to his wife:]Am I right honey? I called him Biggie...
Wife: He called him Biggie
Old Man: I’d say “ Hey Biggie, I love ya, come on you can do it”
Clarence: I hear ya talking--
Old Man: Still and all, I gotta give the Beatles their due; they came out with Sargent Lonely-- what was it?
Clarence: “Sargent Pepper's Lonely Heart Club Band”
Old Man: “Sargent Pepper's Lonely Heart Club Band” and what does Elvis do? What does The King do?? He comes out with the soundtrack of “It happened at the Fair”?!
Clarence: “It Happened at the World's Fair”
Old Man: Common, please. Allright. What you want on this cake Clarence, huh¿?
Clarence looks for the note on his pocket.
Old Man: It’s very disturbing, you know? I mean when you think about an answer you can’t get through it.
Clarence: What can’t you get through?
Old Man: Colonel Parker got the guy surrounded--
Clarence: He’s an asshole, Colonel Parker is an asshole
Old Man: If you just let the FANS tell Elvis what to do...
Clarence: Right. After he got off the army it’s just wasn’t quite--
Old Man [interrupting Clarence]: What do you want written on this fucking cake?
Clarence: Ok, [Reading from not:] Friendshi--
Old man [to his wife]: What’s going on?
Wife [about his son]: He wants to leave early, he came in late, he wants to leave early.
Old Man [to his son]: Were you goin’? Are you going to College? You are here because you are NOT in College. You got things to do.
Old Man [to Clarence]: Don’t ever get married, don’t ever get divorced...
Clarence: ... and don’t ever have a son
Old Man: specially a baboon... [laughs]
Clarence: Ok, “Friendship! Friendship will always be—“
Old Man [to his son again]: Jerry, don’t argue with Roxie, you do what she tells ya. [to Clarence]: common I'm listenin’
Clarence: “Friendship will always be the bond between Mickey and Me, the joy of always knowing, our bond is growing, because our friendship is showing—“
Old Man: woowow... hold it, time out green bay! I can't fit that all on the fucking cake, come on!
Clarence: Why not?
Old Man: look at the size of the cake; do you see the same cake? Allright? It won't all go on there...
Clarence: ok, how much of what I said can you get on the cake?
Old Man: I can get maybe “Happy Birthday Mickey”... uh...
'Cut To:'INT. Mickey’s apartment... Black man Clifford got Misty on his back trying to escape from his grip.
Clifford: Get off my back!
Misty: I swear, let go off me!
When suddenly Mickey comes out from the bathroom
Mickey: you know you’re right; I really could use some--
Clifford: YOU! Your ass is grass and I'm the lawnmower!
Cut To: INT. Cecil apartment, Clarence’s girlfriend. Bedroom. She’s laid on the bed when the phone starts ringing.
Clarence [in an Elvis tone]: Hellooo baby!
Clarence: now look Cecil, the reason I called you is because I'm having a party and I want you to come down here, is in my place except is for my best friend Mickey, yeh is his birthday...
Cecil: Clarence, listen--
Clarence: It’s gonna be you, me and his girlfriend, who he hasn’t met yet but he don’t know that yet, but he will, don’t worry about that.
Cecil: but Clarence--
Clarence: nah, nah, nah just wear any old thing as long as is nice.
Cut To: INT. Mickey’s apartment, living room. Meanwhile, Mickey and Clifford get into a karate fight. Finally, Mickey punches Clifford’s face and knocks him down.
Cut to:INT. Cecil’s bedroom again
Cecil: look, I can't come over, ok? In fact, I can’t ever see you again.
Clarence: this has the familiar ring of that long head boyfriend of yours, is this it?
Cecil: Yeh, yes, it’s Eddie and he’s been spying on me. He knows that we’ve been seeing each other.
Cecil: So you don’t know Eddie, he is really strong...
Cut to: Big guy Eddie lifting a couple of big dumbbells Eddie: ARGHH!
Cecil: ... and really mean...
Cut to: Eddie lifting huge dumbbell Eddie: Motherfucker!
Cecil: ... and really jealous...
Cut to: Eddie aiming gun Eddie: Frezee! [...?]
Clarence: and I'm very pissed, allright? You tell de-pedi-dog this for me, allright? He just opened a Pandora’s box he’s gonna wish he kept closed, because he’s getting me pissed and when I get pissed; watch out.
Cut To: INT. Mickey’s apartment, living room. Mickey and Clifford keep fighting, this time Clifford grabs a broom stick and after a couple of kung fu moves with the broom stick he hits Mickey in the face with it... Mickey falls.
Cut To:INT. Clarence’s apartment. His answer machine gets a phone call.
Clarence [V.O.]: helloooo baby! You just reached the ring-a-ding of the original hillbilly cat Clarence Pool, and I'm gone! Leave your number at the sound of the guitar, and as soon as I'm done with my Frisbee special I’ll get back to ya, bye... *BEEP*
Eddie [V.O.]: You asshole, this is Eddie, I hope you know who I am, I hope that name means something to you, I'm the man that’s gonna drop kick ya to hell! Cecil is my woman, she’s my property and you’ve been messing with her. When I lean my hands on you I'm gonna punch a hole thru your Rockabilly face, then I'm gonna--
Clarence and Misty enters the room, they keep talking to each other and pay no attention to the answering machine and go upstairs to Clarence’s room. INT. Clarence’ Bedroom. We see Misty tied to the bed and also we get to see Clarence bedroom and all the movie posters he got hanging on the wall.
Cut to: INT. back to the living room, Clarence’s girlfriend; Cecil enters the room. She goes upstairs.
INT. Bathroom. She hears someone’s on the shower, she goes inside.
Cecil: Clarence, I'm leaving Eddie! For now on I make my own decisions, he didn’t own me, nobody owns me, I'm making my ow--
She slides the shower door and sees Mickey inside.
Cecil: Who are you?!
Mickey: Who am I? Who are you?
Cecil: You uh... you and Clarence aren’t-- aren’t--
Mickey: Aren’t WHAT?!
Cecil: You and Clarence don’t go to gay bars together, do you?
Mickey: NO we DON’T go to gay bars together!
Cecil: Oh, uh... where’s Clarence?
Mickey: Obviously not in HERE!
He violently shuts the door.
. Cut to: INT. Clarence’s bedroom, Clarence and Misty are sitting on the bed facing to each other, covered under the sheets. Cecil opens the door and sees them off on bed with the lights.
Misty [to Clarence]: Shhh! Someone’s coming.
Clarence doesn’t mind to look who’s on the door, he immediately assumes is Mickey.
Clarence [to person in door]: look! You had your chance, I love you and everything but you’re gonna have to wait till I get done here. I’ll find somebody for you I promise.
Misty: Yeah, bye bye!
Clarence: Heheh, good bye!
Cecil doesn’t mind to answer and shuts the door.
Clarence [reading instructions]: ok, here’s what the rockabilly records were for the late show, is not in here, it doesn’t exist, however the kissing is 3 hours and 20 minutes.
Misty: I can do that...
Clarence: ok, here we go, ready? Now
. Cut To: INT. Bar Bard Tender is facing Eddie.
Bar Tender: What can I get ‘cha?
Eddie: Where is she?
Bar Tender: Who?
Eddie: The girl with the asshole
Bar Tender: Is there a girl without an asshole?
Eddie pulls the bar tender’s head close to him with his big hand.
Eddie: Listen up, butt-crack! My girlfriend comes to this bar with a Rockabilly asshole named Clarence Pool, I know ´cause I followed the bitch here a week ago. Where is she?
Bar Tender: She’s at the asshole’s apartment
Eddie: where does the asshole lives?
Bar Tender: the assholes lives at [Harry’s?] apartments over at Eastwood drive.
Eddie releases his hand off the bar tender’s face... He goes off frame... He comes back and grabs bar tender by the face again.
Eddie: Apartments have numbers.
Bar Tender: Apartment 44.
. Cut to: INT. Clarence’s bedroom, Clarence is tied to his bed and Misty is right next to him putting on her clothes.
Clarence: How long have you been a call-girl? Now I don’t mean that a derogatory way at all...
Misty: I don’t know if you guessed it or not, but I'm not exactly an old filthy dog at this...
Clarence: really? Well how long have you been at this game?
Misty: hmm, well let’s see. Today’s my first night.
Clarence: sighs. I was impressed before, but God, first day on the job you great.
Misty: you didn’t think I was nervous or anything?
Clarence: no, not at all! You passed my test of professionalism.
Misty [smiles]: you are so sweet.
Clarence: well, what makes you interested in targeting prostitution as a career goal?
Misty: well... I came here from Cleveland...
Clarence [interrupts]: Oh, ok...
Misty: ... There’s more...
Clarence [laughs]: oh sorry...
Misty unties Clarence from the bed
Misty: and uh, for about the last 2 years that I lived there I worked at K-Mart.
Clarence: you worked at K-Mart?
Misty: I worked at K-Mart
Clarence: what department?
Misty: uh... Records and Tapes
Clarence: You lucky dog! I worked at K-Mart too; I always wanted to work in Records and Tapes.
Clarence: Yeah, Out here. I was trying to get into Records and Tapes but they kept sticking me in Women Shoes.
Clarence hugs Misty from behind, they both stay sit on the bed.
Misty: no kiddin’. I used to feel so sorry for those guys in Women Shoes. These ladies would come and try about 50 pairs of shoes, they’d make the poor guy work for, I don’t know, could be over 50 or 60 pairs of shoes until they finally make up their mind.
Clarence: Yeah but I got a foot fetish so it kinda even itself out.
Clarence: I remember my shining moment of glory though, at K-Mart. There was this one lady, I was trying to show her what size of shoe she wears, and all of a sudden this big fat rat falls out *POP* right in her lap.
Misty: Oh my god, I would’ve freaked out.
Clarence: the lady! She’s screaming, the rat takes off I'm going after it, ok? I'm chasing it around the store for about 15minutes. Finally beat it to death with a broom stick.
Misty[laughs]: That is a classic! You know, I really enjoyed workin at Records and Tapes, but I kept getting this feeling that I was having a feeling of being unfulfilled.... you know what I mean?
Clarence: I hear ya talking
Misty: So one night I went out with this guy who worked at Auto Accessories, and I saw a film that was to change my life.
Clarence: Which film?
Misty: “Dressed To Kill”
Clarence: Wonderful movie! Excellent movie! I love that movie!
Misty: You liked it?
Clarence: I loved it! Brian De Palma, he’s a really mean motor scooter.
Misty: Uh-huh, I love’ im, I love his film. I love’ im. Do you remember a Nancy Allen?
Clarence: Remember? How can I forget her?
Misty: Ok, what she a knock out or what?
Clarence: they should have a law that says Nancy Allen gotta have sex with me anytime I want.
Misty: Ok, what part did she play in that film? A call girl! That’s the part she played! She was cool, she was together. I looked at that film and I looked at her part and I said to myself: Louise, that’s the job for you!
Misty: I mean Misty! Misty, that’s the job for you! I came out here to make my mark. Sighs, and I all I’ve been so far is an absolute failure…
Clarence: What have u failed at?
Misty: Well my pimp, Clifford. He’s a lousy pimp, he’s a helluva nice guy, but he’s a lousy pimp. I just had to face the fact that he was doing nothing to further my career, so I fired him. And tonight, my first night out to bet, I blew it! A paying costumer and everything exploded just like that.
Clarence: well that’s hardly your fault
Misty: How am I ever gonna start a referral system when people pay for a good time girl they wanna get time, not get involved in some of my ass matter. Anyway, that’s why i was so upset.
Clarence: Are you still upset?
Misty [smiling]: None of your business.
Clarence: You know, from the very first time I saw you dancing that music I said to myself: So, that’s my kind of woman.
Misty: Why didn’t you do anything about it?
Clarence: Uh… I didn’t think you’d be interested…
Misty: what would make you think that?
Clarence: I don’t know… I guess I’m just stupid…
Misty: You’re not stupid… You’re just wrong.
One more time they kiss
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